We recently had an amazing opportunity through Writer’s Digest. We had a chance to sign up for a course where an agent would look through our first ten pages and give us feedback. Very exciting, seeing as how we have been submitting to agents for awhile now…..And haven’t gotten much feedback. Basically it’s been “thanks but no thanks.” We had literally been begging the cold, unfeeling computer to please give us something, anything. The heartless piece of junk continually shot us down. But now there was a faint hope. Someone….No. Not just ‘someone’. An actual, real, living, breathing agent was going to tell us what was wrong. Why did our book seem so good to us, but we kept getting the dreaded rejection form letter? I mean, I know we are biased because we wrote it. But what is so wrong? Do we stink? Is it boring? Are we grammatically challenged and unaware?
We waited with bated breath for the day to finally arrive. We sent off our 10 pages and….
STRENGTHS
Nice romantic scene; a good steamy opening
Point of view changes from Naya to Vaughn are good; we can get to know both our lovers.
Strong writing.
I liked that the vampires can only drink from other vampires; it’s unique and sets up for a lot of interesting possibilities.
ISSUES
The fact that she’s a vampire princess seems very left to the wayside. It’s mentioned casually, but we don’t get any knowledge about what kind of creatures they are. Does she smell blood? Does she have superpowers? Undead? 100 years old? What about the princess part– she must be used to having a lot of power. Naya doesn’t act or seem like a vampire princess, and that part of her should be apparent.
NEXT STEPS
Though you mention some of the vampires mythology, Naya’s character doesn’t reflect this. She needs to not just think about being a vampire, but show it.
Overall, a strong ten pages.
Hold the phone?! Did she just say “strong writing?” Did she say “steamy?” Did she say “strong ten pages?” WOO HOO!!!! We realize that there is stuff we need to work on but….talk about uplifting. This gives us hope in the midst of despair. It gives us a goal. It makes us want to take our heads out of the proverbial oven and turn off the gas (J/K!). We are STRONG!
So we eagerly make changes and tweak sentences and send it back. This is the best part of the course. She gives us advice, and we get to send it back. There is no guarantee that she will respond further, but at least we now have some idea what may be holding us up.
Despite the lack of guarantee concerning another response, of course we wait. And, miracle of miracles, she responds again.
This is good, but you need to find a way to bring Naya’s supernatural/royal status organically into the narrative. Except for mentioning that she’s a vampire princess and that she has these pressures, she seems to act, think, and feel like a normal girl. You list her powers, but we don’t see them, except for her smelling blood. She wants to be ordinary, but why? She has to be different because she is.You still have some excellent imagery and good mystery/romance with Vaughn. Just make sure that the supernatural elements aren’t brought up just for the plot: they have to be in the characters.
Excellent imagery?! Good mystery/romance?! Hallelujah! The only problem we have now is….What the heck does ‘organically into the narrative’ mean? And, unfortunately, we want our main character to be a normal girl. This response has given us some real food for thought. It would appear the agent wants more paranormal whereas we, the writers, are focusing more on the contemporary romance features of the story.
Alas, this combination of writer and agent is not a perfect match. (Yet another way that finding an agent is more than a bit like dating. However, that is a story for another time.) But this entire process has given us hope. It has allowed us to realize that it really is a matter of finding the RIGHT agent. Our writing does not stink. We just need to keep on swinging for the fences and someday our prince will come (mixed metaphor but you get the drift).